girl, you’ll be a woman soon.

I have some very distressing news, dear reader:

I found a gray hair. Yes, one silvery filament among the strands of raven and burgundy. One goddamn gray hair that probably has someone’s name etched into it. Things that went into my head when, at 4am, I glimpsed into the mirror and spotted the offending strand:

1. The episode of Sex and the City where Samantha finds a gray pubic hair, titled “One”. Never saw it? It is one of the best episodes ever. This scene is a fantastic comedic moment in a pretty heavy episode involving Charlotte’s baby issues and Miranda’s heartache.

2. The Urge Overkill version of the creepy ode to barely legal girls. Yes, I know, I’m in my 30s, I shouldn’t really be considering myself a girl, but I admit that I’m in a somewhat arrested state of development, a late bloomer that never even kissed until I was 18! So yeah, this has been playing in my head since early Tuesday morning:

Seriously, being a woman and aging is fucking weird. All of the expectations of beauty, maturity, gender roles…I don’t know how I feel about it. My 30s have so far been a time of great discovery and growth, but I’ve never really felt like I’m in my 30s. This just makes me think about the fact that when my mother was my age, she had me. Her third child. Like, am I a slacker or what?

I’ve always said I’d grow old gracefully. I’d take every wrinkle as a sign of victory. I am not taking this gray hair or the loss of elasticity in my skin as gracefully as I thought I would.

How lovely to be a woman….

[sic]

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “girl, you’ll be a woman soon.

  1. Wait, so uh, where did you find this gray hair? Haha! If it’s on your head, I refuse to feel sorry for you. I started getting them at twenty-five. Now I have about a dozen that my friends (all of whom are at least five years younger than me) feel the need to point out to me if I don’t dye my hair every couple of months.
    I have also passed the age my mom was when she had me. Years ago, actually, because she got started young. Last year, she texted me and said “I try not to bug you about this, but do you think you are ever going to have any children?” and I said no and I’m sure it completely broke her heart because it looks like my older brother won’t have any kids of his own either (he does have a step-son, though). It’s a weird kind of pressure to think I’m the end of the family line.
    The other thing about getting older (not that we’re like ancient or anything) was that around 26, I realized I was going to die. I mean, obviously I always knew I was going to die, but I never really thought about it in depth…about what it really means…to die. Even now, I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and worry about when and how I will die. And I can’t go back to sleep because I’m thinking all these things like “well, I can’t die yet because I haven’t gotten this whole religion thing figured out and I haven’t read the last book in that series and what if I die at work and they let the yokels crowd around and poke my dead body with sticks?! Nooo!”
    So, yeah, aging, man. Aging.

    • Yes, on my head! I should have made that clearer. I know I want to have a kid someday, but I’m also totally selfish right now and want to travel more. It’s weird when you realize your biological click is all, tick! Tick! Tick! Like a time bomb in my uterus. I, too, lose sleep over things like aging. It is so scary and strange.

  2. I can so identify with all this. Not the gray hair thing yet, but growing old in general. When I turned 23 last year I had a major panic attack and thought, “oh my god. that’s it. I have to get my life on track and at one point have a mortgage and maybe babies and I’ll have to start wearing that eye night cream stuff to bed and oh my god one day I’ll actually die.” And everyone around me just kinda looked at me funny and told me to calm the f*** down. Being selfish is the one thing that keeps me going. It’s my life, and if there’s no reincarnation then I only get ONE LIFE. And hell, I’m going to live it, whether it has mortgage and babies and night creams or not. Great post, Jessa. I think we can all identify with this.

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