Not Now

It had to be the week I decided to listen to White Blood Cells in my car to and from work. The week I choose a random episode of This American Life called “I’m Sorry” to listen to on my lunch break. It had to be this week that I opened Facebook and saw One New Friend Request that in itself might be a tiny, whispered, “I’m sorry.”
Ten years, man. Ira is talking about how apologies are rarely satisfying for anyone involved. I wouldn’t know. Apologies are something I don’t often hear, but it’s my fault. I have one hell of a cold shoulder. Once it’s clear that someone’s no good for me I just cut them out of my life. Sure, some of them come back around with apologies, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I think about the last time with him. Myspace. A friend request and a message that began apologetic and ended accusatory. No way, Jack.
But isn’t forgiveness supposed to feel good? Fuck his feelings, but maybe I would feel better? Me. Maybe it would be nice not to want to vomit whenever someone mentions his name (which is, thankfully, rare these days). If I could forgive him, would that make me a better person?
Jesus. It’s Easter and I am not Jesus. It’s not in my nature to forgive. I pick up my phone and press “Not Now.”
Not now. And maybe not ever.


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