Tag Archives: Franz Ferdinand

[sic] homecoming + playlist

Kindred_Homecoming_Collage

Dancing, searching for home.

Ashley is a sneaky genius and psychic friend. Seriously. The shift from “Home” to “Homecoming” is a slight one, but it completely changed the trajectory of this playlist. See, when I read the word, “Home”, the first song that came to mind was the epic Homecoming segment from Green Day’s American Idiot album, and I figured I would use it to end the playlist. Then, that little change. Suddenly, Homecoming became the starting point. What if you come home so changed from an experience that your notion of what home is becomes completely fucked? How do you navigate what used to be your base but is now foreign territory while grieving for the places (and people) that took up residence inside your heart?

Well, in my case, I tried to drag remnants of my new life into my old home, and it was disastrous. I was devastated, a mass of sobs and sadness. Then, I slowly woke and began to claw my way through the wilderness with bitterness and cynicism. I shoved my grief deep, deep down. I drank and danced and made a glorious mess out of my feelings. The ache was still there, of course, the longing for home, and it would make itself known, usually in the quiet hour in between the end of the party and my head hitting the pillow. I also had nightmares where I would return to my happy landscape with a palpable dread, feeling that something was off, knowing that I would wake up to a life that was at once completely suffocating and strangely hollow.

This time in my life was painful but necessary. I found my voice because I had to make my presence known in order to survive, and I started to go beyond merely existing. I started to live. It was even fun a lot of the time. I laughed and wore too much makeup. I played and had a recklessness about me that allowed me to try things I never would have had the courage to do before. I kissed strangers and partied in my pajamas. I sweated and screamed in mosh pits and chased after rock stars. I tottered around in high heels and push-up bras and short skirts. I cried a lot, too, but I kept that mostly to myself. Somehow, as I went through all of this, I managed to create meaningful friendships. Some were short-lived and some are still going strong, but they all helped me to live through hell and figure out how to make a home again. I got to try on different versions of myself, little bits seeping under my skin to help me become who I am today: a fighter, a storyteller, a marvelous weirdo who can face all the fucked-up realities of life and keep going. I built myself from the ground up. I am home.

Enjoy this sonic interpretation of my journey. I hope you all find yourself at home in your own skin.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

[sic] playlist: wild

Image

Go Wild!

Listen here: Kindred Collective: Wild

I am loving this theme so much. I’ve been thinking about all of my wild times, my past, riding in cars with boys, kisses at 4am, stomping and screaming, throwing fits, smoking cigarettes, downing shots, loving every fucked up minute of it, going crazy. This playlist is kind of a mixed bag of rock, dance and juuuust a little bit of pop, but it all speaks to me. It brings me to that place where I can be free, where my creativity lives and breathes. Oh, and speaking of, here’s a poem I wrote while feeling caged this week. I honor the beast within. We will make beautiful things together.

wild_poem1

wild_poem2

I was going to fix these photos but decided not to because I’m fucking sick of perfection. Here’s the text, all typed out so you can read it clearly:

wild.

snarling beast

in the hollow of my throat

you are so angry

mauling my nerves

to a pulp

treading on my stomach

filthy paw prints on my chest

i am trying to save you

and save myself

but you are so temperamental

you still howl at the moon

and i like it

the way my mouth forms a round little

o

as i submit to your will

run

run through concrete jungles

under neon nights

a million fluorescent moons beckon

yet i keep you here

in this goddamn cage

all painted up

reminding you of what you’re missing

you claw at me from within and

mark the days of captivity on the

underside of my flesh.

And, finally, how I’m feeling about a lot of the negative bullshit and feeling trapped in my life:

had_it

[sic]

4 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized