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[sic] week one: synchronicity (with playlist!)

“Synchronicity weaves like a web when you were meant to be a meal”–Incubus, Smile Lines

I have always loved that part from the song Smile Lines. The surprise of the unexpected, the elation of pieces coming together and the universe aligning with your dreams and desires.

On the other hand, synchronicity can reinforce your deepest fear, as it did when Ashley drew my tarot card for the year: 8 of Swords. Its meaning? Trapped and powerless. I have been grappling with these feelings as the demands of the world have left me exhausted, filling me with a sense of hopelessness. I ache to write more and tell my stories. My characters are suffering. My dreams are suffering. I am suffering. This is not to say there isn’t any good in my life. Lover Man is a constant source of love and support, and my family and friends are wonderful. I still feel isolated and panicked, and no one, no matter how wonderful they are, can reach inside me and change how I’m feeling. No one can magically alter the circumstances that are making me feel trapped and powerless. They can only try to help me through this hopefully brief period of pain.

I had begun work on my vision board for the year 2014 before I was dealt the card that confirmed my sad state, but after the card, it didn’t just seem like a fun thing to do. It was necessary to  put my positive intentions  out there. Ashley, being a good friend who probably didn’t want me to have a nervous breakdown–welcome, panic attacks!–did a more complete reading for me. This is how the cards rolled out:

The course of action.

The course of action.

Wheel of Fortune: destiny, fate, change of course.

The Fool: Innocence, Naivete

Mother of Swords: Experienced, All-Seeing.

The answer is clear: I can get out. I will stumble about. I won’t know all the answers. I may fall and fail, and I will endure growing pains, but I will be okay. Somehow, I will be okay.

The suite of cards is now my desktop background. Lover Man got me some adhesive strips to hang up my vision board since the blue painter’s tape I used at first was not having it.

Naturally, music has been getting me through some of my hardest days. New songs from old favorites like Nine Inch Nails and Pearl Jam are speaking to me, lifting me up, alternately whispering and screaming at me to keep going, move forward, break free, be authentic, create! Of course, I have also been seeking out songs that provide comfort and allow me to reflect on my issues. Death Cab for Cutie playing at the local cafe as I waited for my cup of coffee enticed me to sit and enjoy five minutes of writing time while warming myself up by their gorgeous fireplace. Songs have kept me warm and sane while trooping through biting cold and snow in the mornings to get to work. (Yes, that would be me chair dancing on the bus. Accept it and move on.)

I was inspired to reach my goals in art and life before 2013’s end, but I am clinging to motivation now more than ever. Every little spark in my cupped hands.

For our first Kindred playlist of the new year, I decided to create a vision board and merge my art and music inspiration together. Enjoy the playlist, and let’s all take control of our lives in 2014.

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Synchronicity: Listen here! Synchronicity

[sic]

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[sic] playlist: wild

Image

Go Wild!

Listen here: Kindred Collective: Wild

I am loving this theme so much. I’ve been thinking about all of my wild times, my past, riding in cars with boys, kisses at 4am, stomping and screaming, throwing fits, smoking cigarettes, downing shots, loving every fucked up minute of it, going crazy. This playlist is kind of a mixed bag of rock, dance and juuuust a little bit of pop, but it all speaks to me. It brings me to that place where I can be free, where my creativity lives and breathes. Oh, and speaking of, here’s a poem I wrote while feeling caged this week. I honor the beast within. We will make beautiful things together.

wild_poem1

wild_poem2

I was going to fix these photos but decided not to because I’m fucking sick of perfection. Here’s the text, all typed out so you can read it clearly:

wild.

snarling beast

in the hollow of my throat

you are so angry

mauling my nerves

to a pulp

treading on my stomach

filthy paw prints on my chest

i am trying to save you

and save myself

but you are so temperamental

you still howl at the moon

and i like it

the way my mouth forms a round little

o

as i submit to your will

run

run through concrete jungles

under neon nights

a million fluorescent moons beckon

yet i keep you here

in this goddamn cage

all painted up

reminding you of what you’re missing

you claw at me from within and

mark the days of captivity on the

underside of my flesh.

And, finally, how I’m feeling about a lot of the negative bullshit and feeling trapped in my life:

had_it

[sic]

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